To bonk or not to bonk: that is the question

Inspired by the famous line in Shakespeare's play Hamlet, the line"to bonk or not to bonk: that is the question" was used in a lecture I attended a few months ago. Although the lecturer posed this question objectively to demonstrate how cultural backgrounds affect attitudes towards sex (much to the amusement of the students present in the lecture theatre), this post will specifically look at why women have one night stands and how this supposedly "enthralling and exhilarating" experience has some rather negative consequences. In particular, the arguments of Amy in her post "An Open Letter to Mad Sheila" on the Feminist Reprise blog will be examined in order draw some feminist feedback on this debatable topic.

This post raised a number of issues which I believe require me to delve deeper in order for me to really establish what my personal stance on this controversial issue is.

First of all, I totally agree with the author in terms of women having the right to exercise sexual autonomy without being labelled a 'slut' or 'whore'. I believe that this form of labelling (either made by women OR men) not only spits in the face of women who have positively contributed to society, it is also an automatic insult and ignorance of a woman's intelligence and skills - outside of the bedroom. Not only is it bad enough to hear such insults being made by members of the opposite sex, it is even more questionable when made by WOMEN ourselves. It could also be argued that such insults are 'patriarchal terms' i.e terms developed by misyoginists (aka pigs) who have a warped perception of a world where there are no equal standards between the sexes - a world where women are inferior than men; a world where women must comply with male authority. In addition, a woman's compliance or subjectivity to 'patriarchy' is also an issue questioned by the author.

Undoubtedly, a one night stand involves the act of "picking up" with the express purpose of having sex with no initial intention of entering a long-term commitment. I agree with the author on the basis that having sixteen sexual partners in two years contributes to one's decrease in self-respect for her body and detrimentally affects one's self-esteem. However, I totally disagree with her blaming 'patriarchy' for her depressive state (ie feeling worthless).

"I was playing out a script written by patriarchy, one which says that a woman is
worthless unless she has a man, and the way to get a man is to be sexually
available. I believed—because patriarchy told me so—that by acting hawt and
sexxeee* enough, I could hook a man into staying with me."

I don't believe patriarchy dictates that women are incomplete or worthless without a man. I think there is a natural and biological reason why humans are attracted to each other. Patriarchy isn't to blame: it is due to our own mindlessness or lack of exercising our own individual intelligence, caution, power that dictates the decisions we make. I don't think that patriarchy should be given a name and be made out to look like a tyrant because once women start blaming supposedly conspirated ideologies, then our taunts and anguish over our supposed subjectivity and dominance by men is the product of our own lack of intelligence - we are incarcerated by our own thoughts. Women should stop looking for excuses and reasons to justify their misguided decisions (even if being drunk is to blame) and should start being assertive and taking responsibility for their own actions instead of replaying the 'damsel in distress' scene over and over again. Blame 'I' not 'It" - admit it was a mistake (if it indeed was) or be honest and say "yes, it was I who got too drunk and had no fckn clue what I was doing." Don't be fckn mindless but admit personal fault because immediately once you start blaming patriarchy, you contribute to your own subjectivity and inferiority.

I don't think all one night stands are bad at all. Yes, there may be occassions where you didn't need a penis in your vagina in hindsight, but I think that one night stands are great when the attraction is mutual and a high level of respect is exchanged - knowing that you aren't too drunk or mindless of the fact that he is not attracted to you, however you have provided with him with the opportunity of using your body. So therefore, I must once again disagree with the author when she states:

"I justified this behavior to myself, despite how unhappy it made
me, with the Cosmo ideology that“I don’t care about love, respect, and
all that boring monogamy stuff. I just want a good regular fuck, and I
don’t really care who it's with.”

Here Amy limits respect only to monogamous relationships. Respect and connection is essential for a one night stand too! When respect is not present, then maybe one should start questioning her own values and then maybe admit that she was indeed used for solely one man's sexual gratification and that as a result, she was degraded as a woman, blah, blah, blah. Next, she should ask one very serious question: was this self-inflicted? Think again next time...

An excerpt from the posting which I believe every woman should read in order to clarify her expectations about casual sex or even as a disclaimer/warning before engaging in such activities refers to the following:

"So to the woman who really, truly, honestly says to herself, "Gee, tonight I
just want a penis in my vagina. That's really all I want, and so I'm going to go
out and find that," I say, go sheila. But the minute any other desire creeps in
there--a yen for respect, say, for human connection, or even, dare I say it, for
"good" sex from a woman's perspective--I would counsel that sheila to hold her
horses. if you want to be cared about and listened to, if you have any desire to
be acknowledged as a complex human being with an intellect and a soul, I would
venture, random randy anonymous sheila, that fucking a stranger might not be the
most effective vehicle to take you to your destination."

Before I conclude and finish this post, I would like to refer to an excellent article I found entitled "Critique of hookups doesn't reflect reality" by Adda Birnir and Basha Rubin published in Yale Daily News (03.06.2007). Here is an excerpt:

"Neither casual sex or committed sex is an
unmitigated ideal; rather, it is how we approach them and what we expect of them
that becomes problematic. "

I will end this post with words I believe are very important (excerpt taken from same article):

"If we talk about “hooking up”
more, as a society, a community, or among friends, we can develop a vocabulary,
an understanding that it is deep and profound and complex and murky for all
parties involved — but can also be enjoyable, safe and even, dare we suggest,
beautiful... we believe that the answer is not to condemn
any of the behavior.... What our generation needs is to
forge a way to discuss these issues openly and honestly with our friends, our
lovers and our society at large. Of course, there is a problem that women often
feel abused or used by their casual sexual relationships. So, let’s create an
environment where women can assert themselves and their sexual and emotional
desires without being pushed into the old categories of chaste, respectable wife
or damaged slut. "