"Somehow", within less than five minutes of the conversation, the typical non-disclosed agenda seemed to evolve like this.
Item # 1: How are you?
Item # 2: Flatterings, tidings
Item # 3: Speaking of...How is your sex/love life?
*We never got to Item # 4 before parting.
Like all good things, unpaid therapy and psychoanalysis from your ever truthful and honest friends, is priceless. Among my circle, Starfish is that one person that has herself, jumped on a plane to save me from myself or organised the other chicas who in her absence drove 250km to be with me. I have already told her that when she's at the Pearly Gates and asking to be let in, I will personally vouch for her.
*Based on the assumption that, one of us is on the opposite side of the Gates.
Me: "I don't know why I'm like this, it's that fucking movie, the NOTEBOOK!"
Starfish: Bursts out into laughter
I have never hidden the fact nor am I embarrassed to admit that one of my favourite movies is The Notebook. In the same fashion that a hard-hitting documentary uncovering the hidden abuses and travesties of this world that deeply move and affect us, this film has greatly affected me. In more ways that only now, am I just beginning to realise.
After attempting to be as articulate about my emotions and feelings - and the decisions that led me to the moment just before, I had managed to self-diagnose myself with this "figurative" emotional/mental illness which is "unrequited love".
"When a woman sues for love, to reject and refuse is a distressing part for a man to play"- Freud
A quick Google search of unrequited love, lists a description of the illness and ways to treat and medicate from world-leading reference sites such as Wikipedia and it's twin Wiki How which provides an insightful and irresistibly hilarious 10 step-guide, accompanied with visually compelling PICTURES! just in case you needed help. To be fair, Wikipedia also lists a few remedies.
Wikipedia: "Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated as such. The beloved may or not be aware of the admirer's deep and strong romantic affections."
Like UN.requited love, the Notebook is the tale about UN.finished business. Experiencing something life-changing with someone, then being hit with reality and flee-ing (in my case, literally FLEE/FLYING).
Meeting someone else, getting engaged but then being pulled back to your first love (referred to as a mid-life crisis or regret) and then being asked with the non-forgiving question: "What do you want".
At first, confronting this question may seem easy to answer matter-of-factly, however when emotions become entangled in the web of our consciousness that connects with our heart strings and engages in the battle that is raged between realism and idealism, we quickly surrender and prefer to fall in love with the euphoria itself.
It's hard not to. All of us fall for it - it is inescapable. For someone who has always been told to make a rational decision, not an emotional one, I still get caught out, either by myself or others for failing to do so.
So here I am looking for the perfect cocktail that will help me "fall out of love".
Potential solutions offered by Starfish:
- Tell him!;
- Quote be brave, forgive yourself, toughen the fuck up unquote;
- Read "Eat, Pray, Love" - my original reaction "The scene of her on the bathroom floor, praying to God is almost like reading my own memoi - it's too depressingr". (Update: I downloaded the ebook today and have commenced reading).
Admittedly, The Notebook has established undefiled and incorruptable notions of what I define as true, endearing love, however I must not confuse this with requited love of a lost lost and as sustainable as my suffering has been, I honestly reflect and consider the suggestions proposed. Without pondering further,
the truth has set me free.
the truth has set me free.